I upset myself earlier. We were home from hospital, Jane was resting and I was occupied with calming the new baby. Tom was passing me Lego, trying to get me to play with him.
I looked into his face, calm but tinged with worry. A lot to take in for a little boy.
I suddenly found myself feeling like I’d horribly betrayed him. My boy, with whom I’ve a bond the likes of which I didn’t realise was possible.
And now this mewling pink thing had come along and was ruining it. I could see him thinking it. Worse, in the back of my mind I was thinking it too.
Guilt for betraying my son, guilt for even thinking that for a moment about my daughter. A double whammy. Luckily Jane was on hand to spot and cure the wobbly lip. Okay, a bit more than a wobbly lip.
I’m reconciling it in my mind now. This was the day that Tom learned life doesn’t revolve around him. An important lesson, but one I’d wanted to put off as long as possible. I know that Tom won’t hold a grudge, and that I’m capable of loving two children just as much as one. Just it doesn’t quite feel possible, right now. I wonder if all second-time dads feel this way?
I know Michael found he got closer to our older daughter when Cat arrived. She had been a bit of a mummy’s girl but she turned to him when I was busy doing new baby things with the baby. That has continued really.
I can’t relate, at all, but I do know both of your children are very lucky to have two wonderful parents who love them very much
Ditto this.
The closest I can come to relating is in the way I interact with my two cats. The younger one was adopted first (by a week) and when I’m honest, he’s my favorite (he’s more intelligent than his then-5-month-old brother and was only 10 weeks old when I brought him home, so we bonded harder). But I love both of them.
The feeling of being “usurped”, by the way, doesn’t necessarily have a time limit. I’m the younger of two girls and am not proud to admit that I felt “threatened” by my nephew’s arrival. When I was 20 years old.
Luckily, Tom has two intelligent, sensitive parents who are attuned to his feelings. Yes, like any child, he is likely to find it hard, at first, to adjust to the ‘little pink userper’ (can you tell I was an eldest child?!). But he WILL grow to love Emily.
The most important thing is to give yourselves a break. You’re both exhausted & have been through an emotional wringer the past few months. You’re adjusting too & you’re doing the best you can for BOTH of your children – no guilt required.
I had exactly the same thing, and for a while there I even prefered Amy over Evan, which made me feel very guilty indeed – but I couldn’t help it.
Once he got a bit older and more interesting it all sorted itself out though.
I’m trying to work out if the wobbly lip was Tom’s or yours???
“This was the day that Tom learned life doesn’t revolve around him…” Erm yeah, there’s a certain little one over here that’s still to learn that lesson!!!