Vote for Me

Is it too late to sign up for this election thing? I hope not, because I’ve suddenly realised what I truly believe in and what I can do to make this country a better place. I want to form the Sort Out Supermarkets Party.

We would not be one of these single-policy parties. Oh no, we would have several policies. Admittedly, they would all be supermarket-based. But when two pounds in every four in this country is spent in Tesco (I’ll check that statistic later), I think it’s fair to say that sort out the supermarkets, and you’ve pretty much sorted out everything else.

Our pledges:

1. Revalue the Squash Standard. Every supermarket these days provides so-called “double concentrate” squash. If they’re all doing it, surely then that means it’s now the standard strength squash? Under a SOS government, “double concentrate” squash would be renamed just “squash”. Most establishments would be banned from serving single-concentrate squash. Special exceptions would be made for village shops and specialist vintage food vendors, who would be allowed to sell regular-concentrate squash, as long as it was clearly labelled “Olde Style Weake Squashe”.
2. Make own-brand cereal packets informative or diverting. Those of us able to afford proper cereals are used to spending our precious minutes at the breakfast table reading the back of the cereal packet. Much like reading a shampoo bottle whilst having a poo, it gives the brain something to do whilst a vital but tedious part of the daily routine is fulfilled.
   However, we realise in the SOS Party that not all people are able to afford “luxury” cereals and have to settle for supermarket-branded alternatives. I myself decided to try my local supermarket’s Generic Malted Wheat Squares the other day, just to check how ghastly they were compared to proper cereals, and when I turned the box from it’s front-facing aspect I was shocked to be confronted by another front!
   Several more turns of the box confirmed my worst fears: the box had no informative rear panel. No blurb extolling the health benefits of the product under a warmly golden swathe of corn. No offer to receive some gewgaw by merely Sellotaping two pound coins to a faded form printed on the inside of the box. NOTHING!
   Under a SOS administration, all supermarket cereal boxes will be forced to provide diverting and/or informative information on their cereal box rears. Where they are unable to, one will be provided for them by a government ministry set up for this purpose.
3. Manned self-service tills. All self-service tills will come with a personal assistant, conveniently placed on a seat behind the till. They will aid the user of the self-service till in any way possible, ensuring that their items are quickly and efficiently tallied up, and that the chosen form of monetary transaction proceeds without delay.
   This will create thousands of jobs about the country and ensure that people will no longer be forced to wait valuable seconds for a mouth-breathing 16-year-old to wander over and press a button that says “yes this man is clearly well over the age limit for buying plastic cutlery”.

I think you’ll agree that with just these three changes, the average Briton’s day would be improved roughly 450%. I hope I can count on your vote in the election. Or if i’m too late, the one after that.