How to Cook Sprouts

There’s a lot of debate at this time every year over how long sprouts should be cooked for. Put them on the boil on Guy Fawkes Night? Or steam them for a few seconds just before you serve the turkey?

The wrangling has gone on long enough, I’ve got my own fool-proof solution for sprouts, and I’m willing to share it with you.

How to Cook Sprouts

1. Bring a very large pan of slightly salted water to the boil.

2. Cut the sprouts from the stalk using a very sharp knife, removing the outer layer of leaves. Wash them in cold water.

3. Put the sprouts in a sturdy metal tin (if you’re anything like me, you’ll already have several empty tins of Quality Street available).

4. Drive the tin to your nearest building site.

5. Place the tin at the bottom of a pit and cover it with at least 2 metres of concrete.

6. Return home.

7. If anyone asks where the sprouts are, threaten them with a very large pan of slightly salted boiling water.

I’ve followed this recipe every year and never failed to have a completely delicious Christmas dinner. Bon appetit!

This entry was posted in Japery, Opinion and tagged , . Bookmark the permalink.

5 Responses to How to Cook Sprouts

  1. Ian Robinson says:

    Weirdo! Crispy sprouts are delicious :)

  2. Kris says:

    Silly baguette – sprouts are for kids!

  3. Dan says:

    Duely noted.

  4. Martasaurus says:

    I laughed until I wet ‘em.

  5. My parents had an alternative recipe.
    1) Put in pressure cooker with water.
    2) Cook until you can pour them onto a plate.

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