The trouble with the official British Citizenship Test is it’s a bit like testing if someone can drive by just quizzing them on the Highway Code, rather than putting them in a car and seeing if they can avoid hitting things. It’s too much about boring legislation and regulations and not at all about the stuff that you really need to know to survive in British society.
So I’ve put together a short quiz to test the more subtle things that make you British; like culture, and sport, and what to do on a Bank Holiday.
I present:
The Alternative British Citizenship Test
1) Did you see the game last night? (Pick one)
a: Yes, what were Chelsea playing at?
b: Yes, what were Arsenal playing at?
c: Yes, I really fancied the labrador but it seems it was the spaniel’s night.
d: No I was busy working and contributing to the economy.
2) What do the following have in common: The Queen, turkey, Noel Edmunds, silly hats?
a: They’re all things that Prince Phillip has shot at.
b: They’re all traditional elements of a Proper British Christmas Day.
c: They’re all things that you require a licence to transport on a public highway.
d: They’re all sacred to the Church of England.
3) Barker is to Corbett as Wise is to?
a: Morecambe
b: Whitley Bay
c: Southend
d: Lowestoft
4) Eddie “The Eagle” Edwards leaves the ski jump at a speed of S, where S is equal to the speed he is going. Where does he land?
a: At the other end of his dad’s back garden.
b: Just below the ski jump.
c: It doesn’t matter, it’s the taking part that counts.
d: Lowestoft
5) Which of the following CAN’T you do during a bank holiday?
a: Visit a garden centre.
b: Wash your car.
c: Watch “Apollo 13″ for the tenth time.
d: Visit a bank.
6) Where is the highest point in Britain?
a: Ben Nevis
b: Arthur Negus
c: Henman Hill
d: Harry Hill
7) The funniest thing ever on British television was:
a: Del Boy falling through that bar.
b: Basil Fawlty beating up that foreigner.
c: Compo crashing in that bath.
d: Princess Di hitting that pillar.
8.) Which of the following is a “joke” religion that only became official after it was given as a popular answer in the 2001 UK Census?
a: Hinduism
b: Christianity
c: Judaism
d: Islam
9) Put the following in order of line to the throne:
a: Stephen Fry
b: Delia Smith
c: Joanna Lumley
d: Jeremy Clarkson
10) Having a child under the age of 16 entitles you to:
a: Child Benefit payments.
b: Park in the good spaces at Tescos.
c: Bang on endlessly about them.
d: Five units of alcohol per day.
Ha!
Definitely more relevant to British life than the real test. Although you might have to brave the angry mobs for number 8! And is number 10 a trick question? Isn’t the correct answer “all of the above”
Inspired.
excellent.
Will there now be an “I Iz English” badge… if we get all the right answers?
Very nice
I think I remember seeing a Bear Grylls survival special on the top of Arthur Negas!!!
I failed. I am about to be repatriated to Suffolk.
11) Which of the following offences attracts the most punitive sentence?
a: Murder.
b: Selling a goldfish to an under-age person.
c: Getting stopped doing 120mph on a Surrey back road while “escaping” from Paparazzi.
d: Carrying a placard saying “Blair is a C*NT”
e: None of the above: my girlfiend is newly pregnant and I know my Human Rights.
In case you were wondering about (d), a Police Officer at the Blair Day/Chilcott Hearing told a protestor was allowed to call for Blair’s head on a plate, but using *that* word in writing could get him arrested!